ENGAGED..

long lost blog that I hardly write in anymore.. 
I needed to share a life-altering story...

I've been dreaming of getting married since I can remember, always dreaming & wondering who the groom would be, how we would meet, how long we would date, what falling in love would look like, all that jazz.. and then I prayed about him for a long time, still wondering who he would be & how he would come into my life.. so in 2009 when I actually stopped in my tracks and looked at this handsome bass player in a whole new way, I don't think it ever crossed my mind that one day he would ask me to MARRY him!! I definitely had a huge crush on him for a while and was just very intrigued & curious about this guy, for a year and a half I would do anything I could (trying to not be TOO obvious) just to talk or be in his presence for more than five minutes.  And long story short, we started dating in November 2010, just that was crazy enough for me & now here I am writing about how he asked me to marry him!!

{nineteen year old Lindsay on the far left.. at WSM winter camp where it all began!!}

We would occasionally mention marriage or "someday when we're married.." or "our kids" yada yada yada.. but this past spring is when we *seriously* started talking about getting married & it made me so excited & happy just thinking about it, I would always tell my mom that I would want it to be a surprise, I wouldn't mind being dressed up, & I would want it to be private!! And then one night he asked me what kind of ring I was interested in.. and I didn't even know what to say!! It took me a few days to even cope with that because I didn't know if he really asked me that or not!! So we've been talking about getting married & engaged!! (A LOT this past year) we looked at rings, I found the exact style that I loved, and then at one point I decided I didn't want to talk about getting engaged anymore because I felt like the whole idea of it and when it would happen was consuming me and I needed to not think about it!! (And I wanted it to be a surprise!!) 

Even though I kept telling my mom I thought I would catch him, or suspect a proposal, I was VERY surprised!! I kind of had a rough week last week & complained A LOT & was just feeling discouraged.. of course the wonderful man in my life did all he could to be encouraging & uplifting & remind me of all the true things I needed to hear, instead of sulking in the low moments.  (if only I knew what he had REALLY been up to all week!!) We casually got coffee last Friday night, it was just nice to sit & chat with him for a while, hear about his week (or some of his week anyway -- he somehow forgot to tell me he met with my parents to ask for their blessing & that he had this elaborate plan all coming together...) & just enjoy time with him!! 

I had been thinking of going to this conservatory/garden in Ann Arbor (where we had our first KISS two years ago -- cute idea/place to get engaged?!!) all summer & saw it was going to be a pretty day on Saturday so I suggested we head out there for a day-date!!  And VERY smoothly he reminded me of some pictures he took at the same place, and how he thought I should wear a dress & we could take more pictures... in the back of my mind, I did think MAYBE he would ask me in Ann Arbor at these pretty gardens.. BUT it was my idea, so I quickly pushed that idea out of my mind!! 

{at the gardens from two years ago!!}

So I woke up on Saturday, it was a gorgeous day, not too hot or humid, blue skies, sunshine.. my main goal for the day was to find a dress to wear for this trip to these gardens!! I found a sundress to wear, fortunately had a good hair day!! And then he picked me up & we went to spend a pretty afternoon together at this conservatory, garden, & take pictures!! It was just an all around really good afternoon spending time with him and being outside at such a pretty location, I just love every minute I get to be with him!! Then we wrapped it up & headed home.. (kind of!!)

I wasn't feeling that great on the drive home (THANKFULLY.. I decided not to tell him because I didn't want to ruin our great day-date!!), so I was kind of quiet, but then he suggested we stop for ice cream -- we get ice cream a lot, so that wasn't too out of the loop for him to suggest, so I still had no inkling of anything coming!!! We went to an adorable ice cream/coffee shop in downtown Franklin, (which now looking back on it, I love how everything played out because I spent a lot of time in that area growing up & always feel nostalgic when I'm over there & it just reminds me of so many good childhood memories!!) so we ate ice cream out on their cute porch -- and we're porch snobs so we talked about what we liked about it, but also about what we would do differently!! *I still had NO idea what was coming, but now looking back, I did think it was strange for him to bring his messenger bag he had his camera in -- into the ice cream place? And then take it to the bathroom with him...?  And now I know why he was guarding that bag with his life!!* 

(I'M GETTING NERVOUS WRITING ALL THIS OUT KNOWING NOW WHAT WAS COMING!!!!!)

I think it was maybe 9ish(?) and I knew he had to play at church in the morning so I figured we'd be wrapping up this day-date soon, and maybe I should trust his driving directions more, but as we were leaving I told him to turn right.. but he turned left...? But I didn't say anything because I decided he probably knew what he was doing!! Then he proceeded to turn down a side street....!?!? I was a little confused, but again not expecting anything just thought he wanted to see some of the houses down there.. maybe? BUT it was so dark you couldn't see anything anyway!! THEN he got kind of quiet and was taking weird turns.. I still tried not to think anything of it though.. but then he stopped his car & took the keys out...!? And started to get out.. (I think this is where I began to get really confused but still tried not to expect anything proposal related!!) and still VERY smooth he took my hand & said he had a late birthday present for me......!! (I guess I really should have known at this point where this candle lit path, leading to this gorgeous gazebo meant...  but he said BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!)

I think I was a bit disoriented and nervous trying to watch my step down to this gazebo, it was dark and quiet, I had no idea where I was, I don't even know what I thought was happening!! So we sat down and I was admiring the pretty lights, candles, & sunflowers!! (especially because the sunflowers at the garden earlier in the day were very pathetic..) and he pulled out this big book he had made for me!! (Birthday present... right?) 

*my favorite movie is Elizabethtown -- and in the movie Claire makes this awesome cross-country-road-trip-map for Drew while he travels from Kentucky back home to Oregon.. the entire map she makes leads Drew to lots of interesting & crazy places along his journey, and has mix CD's she made to go along with it*

The book he pulled out I started thumbing through was a road-trip-map of OUR journey together.. it was the best "late birthday present" I could have ever imagined!!!! Still somewhat disoriented I didn't really put it all together at first how it correlated EXACTLY to the one from Elizabethtown & I skimmed over a lot of precious notes & detail he put into it!! (But I've gone through it MANY times since Saturday & cherish each and every little detail of it from cover to cover!!!!!!!) And looking through it with him was sweet, and just made me think of all the great times him and I have had over the last 2 1/2 years of dating, and just how much in love with him I am... and then I think things started to get blurry and left me in serious shock when I read a note he wrote on one of the last pages.. and then turned the page.. to see this.. 

And I think I started to have a heart attack at this point because I knew what was probably coming.. and I found this on the last page..

And then somehow he ended up in front of me down on his knee asking me to marry him..............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to ask him about exactly what happened because I honestly don't even recall the actual moment because I was for real in shock and didn't know what to do or say!!!!! And looking back at it, I really feel like I was up in the clouds somewhere, I definitely was NOT fully present in the actual moment because I was so overwhelmed (in the best, most exciting, and happiest way I could ever think or dream of..)!!! 

So according to my now FIANCE, while I was reading the note, he had reached over to get the ring box, and by the time I was to the last page, he slipped down in front of me & said "Lindsay Fillmore, will you marry me?" *I later found out I said "Yeah" -- come on Lindsay!!!!!!!! Lame response!!* AHHHHH just writing this out brings me SO much joy & happiness.. and at the same time still leaves me speechless that I could be SO in love with another human being & that he would do SO much just for me!!!!!??!!!?? Its the craziest & most exciting feeling to feel!! We got engaged!? It was such a surreal event that I wish I could relive over and over again!! It was the most perfect proposal I could have ever dreamed of!! So there I sat in complete shock, repeatedly trying to decide in my mind if this was real life or not... it was real.  

We sat & chatted for a while & I asked lots of questions, like where was I!? And how the whole event came to be!! I was overwhelmed just hearing how it all unfolded & how all the details worked out -- that people would help orchestrate such a beautiful proposal for ME!? Saying I'm thankful isn't strong enough.. I still can't believe it all is real!! I called my mom first.. who didn't know this was all unfolding either!! I texted some friends & still couldn't really grip all that was going on & I couldn't stop smiling my face started hurting!! Then it was sweet to see his sister & brother-in-law (who decorated everything!!!) shortly after to be excited with them & so they could take some pictures.. ahh it was so good.

So now I'm getting married to the most wonderful, creative, wise, & Godly man I could ever imagine!! I get to spend the rest of my life with HIM!! I always thought times before made my heart feel like it was going to explode with love I have for him -- and now I REALLY think my heart is going to explode!! I'm still trying to fully wrap my mind around the whole experience, but I think I've kind of been in this giddy-crazy-happy-smiley-daze since it all happened.  

We have no details or set plans for anything *yet* but I am so excited to experience this new season in our relationship as it continues to unfold and even more excited that this season will lead to a life together loving & serving God as husband & wife!! I can't wait.  I don't know how I got so lucky or why God has blessed me with such an amazing future husband!! 

So far this week Ephesians 3:20 hasn't left my mind.. being flooded with a lot of love, congratulations, & well wishes from so many people & thinking of how long I've prayed & prayed that God would bless my relationship with Jeff & that it would be preparing me to be a great wife someday.. I just continue to pray that God would be praised for all the great things in our lives, and now more than ever as we enter into a life of marriage together!! 

NOW TO HIM WHO IS ABLE TO DO FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY BEYOND ALL THAT WE ASK OR THINK, TO GOD BE THE GLORY [FOREVER]!!

*side note: listen to your mom when she says you should paint your nails JUST IN CASE.. because I didn't, which is fine, but this beautiful ring deserves painted nails I think!!*

xox, future mrs. jeff van

keep my eyes above the waves..

long time no write. i forgot it's kind of scary to spew your heart out for people to read.. even if it only makes sense to the person writing it.

"LINDSAY, the water is almost over your head these days, but you just have to keep looking at Me so it won't go over your head. I've never failed you before, so why would I fail you now...?"

I feel like this is all God is screaming at me right now, this week, the last few weeks maybe... this entire season of my life right now!!  EVERY aspect of my life & so many relationships that I am closely connected to are all God testing my faith more than ever these days.  To see how I'll come out in the end of this season, if I'm going to just let the water come up over my head & give up or if I'm going to keep looking at Him to keep my head above the water & believe it will be okay, no matter the outcome.

{SPIRIT LEAD ME 
WHERE MY TRUST IS WITHOUT BORDERS
LET ME WALK UPON THE WATERS
WHEREVER YOU WOULD CALL ME
TAKE ME DEEPER 
THAN MY FEET COULD EVER WANDER
AND MY FAITH WOULD BE MADE STRONGER
IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SAVIOUR...}


Literally every area in my life right now feels very {unknown} regarding the future & days to come, which is how it always is with the future, but it's different this time.  Being good or bad outcomes I still have this sense of peace about everything & hope that God is in control no matter the outcomes of certain situations.  He already has all the tiniest details worked out & a greater plan for me & everyone around me than {we} could ever imagine.

{WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE HIM ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE}

I have a problem with day-dreaming about the future & setting my heart in the future instead of focusing on living HERE in the present.. I started the new year hesitant about anything good coming in the future because {last} year was kind of yucky, but the Sunday before the new year started my pastor talked all about living in the present, not dwelling on the future or being stuck in the past.  So since then I've been TRYING my hardest to be content with NOW. I feel like God has been teaching me how to be OK with right now and where He has me for RIGHT now, not setting my heart in the days to come & not setting myself up for disappointment if something doesn't end how I had dreamed or hoped for.

All that ramble to say that God has always had this passage on my heart, but it's more on my heart now because I feel like God is gearing my heart up for the DAYS TO COME now.  Even though I'm trying my best to not live in the {future} He's saying "Hey Lindsay YOU NEED STRENGTH from Me to keep your head & heart above the water in the days to come right now.."

{SHE wears STRENGTH & DIGNITY & LAUGHS at the FUTURE}

So with the uncertainty about the days to come & the million of situations of people around me all I can focus on right now is that God is constantly calling me out of the boat & onto the water, even when I think I am about to sink He calls out & says "Keep your eyes on Me & you're not going to sink under the pressure" Even though I'm unsure about the days to come, I know that I still feel peace about it & am covered in the strength of the Lord to keep going & to not give up & to praise Him no matter what the days to come look like................ amen.

{Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. When he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”}

{picture via r. roath}

...oceans (where feet may fail)//hillsong

...romans eight:twenty-eight

...proverbs thirty-one:twenty-five

I have to work in a few hours..

remember when I used to write things...!? 

I currently can't sleep because.. who.  what.  where.  when.  why.  

via.

summer...

busy. sunglasses. kids. church. heat. girls. detroit. the moon. dresses. community. bar-b-q-ing. laughing. family. sunshine. anxious. iced coffee. skirts. prayer. growing pains. outside. curiosity. friends. watermelon. running. boyfriend. windows down. 

{most favorite picture from summer thus far.. love that Megan!!}

Passion push..

here is a Passion push, that I just "borrowed" from a super cute blog.. if you haven't experienced Passion conference.. you should in 2013!! I still can't believe I got to be a part of it this year!!

"Because I’m missing Passion 2012 a whole, whole lot today I want you to see this video. And I want you to buy a ticket to come next year. I want to see all of your sweet faces!

Find out more info about Passion 2013 HERE."
+check out this super cute blog by Nicole:: here.

{*spring break is so close I can taste it.. I can't wait.. Luke 11 has been on my mind all week.. to keep knocking, keep praying, keep talking to God about the good, the bad, & the ugly.. how He wants to bless me & grant me what He knows I need.. it's good.}

fruit..

"...but what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."
love. joy. peace. patience. kindness. goodness. faithfulness. gentleness. self-control.

{galatians five:twentytwo-twentythree}

GOD, HELP ME BEAR LOTS & LOTS OF FRUIT!!

smile..

SMILE...
at someone you don't know.

even if you're having a crappy day, week, or season.

fill in the blank...

1. I started my blog because.. I enjoy writing & spewing things out of my head onto word document & posting fun things!!

2. One thing I love seeing on other blogs.. pictures, cute outfits, & love stories!!

3. Something I love about blogging.. I get to share it with people vs. my journal which is just for my eyes!! :)

4. A favorite blog post of mine is probably.. a coffee conversation-esque blog I wrote to all females, including myself!! {you can read it here}

5. Something my friends in real life know about me that I've never before mentioned on my blog.. that I can be rather sassy sometimes.. :(

6. My new favorite blogs to read are .. Along the Way.., lowercase letters, & chalk with arrow!!

7. Some things I tend to avoid doing on my blog are.. over-posting in general!!

{linked from the little things we do!!}

ten at ten..

ten things I love for a miscellany monday..

1. hardwood floors..every house should have some.

2. french press coffee.

3. paris.. someday

4. being cozy.

5. sun flowers.
6. cute-practical outfits.
7. pesto..I need to make this sandy..yummy.
8. my people..big families are fun!!

9. my boyfriend. {I can't believe I've never put this picture on here before, he's cute!?}

10. being barefoot.. even during winter.

*that's just ten {randoms}...there's many other nouns I love heaps.

AND...I've never "linked" with another blog before!! check out other "miscellany monday's" via Carissa!!

{pictures via pinterst + my trusty iPhoto}

product push..

i am a journal-er.

i like to write things down!!

out of my plethora of journals that i have acquired & filled with words over the past few years... i have several that are my favorites.. and i want to share them with YOU!!

jill bliss.

{i just finished this one}

{and just started this one}

+ another one that doesn't have a picture anywhere...anyway, i love love LOVE everything about these journals!! and as a big-time journal-junkie.. that's huge!! i know it's weird, but i love the texture of the paper. i love the colors. i love that each one has a theme. i love that there are several different pages, including lines or pretty pictures. i like the size of them. and i love that i find them at cute little stationary/card shops all around town... and they're only $10!!

...so if you need a journal, go buy one of these, you'll fall in love too.

*ps it's raining, in late january, in michigan.

great grandma alice..

my {last}, great-grandparent went to be with Jesus yesterday.

thankfully I got to see her a few weeks ago while I was in Atlanta!!

such a gem of a woman.

she loved the Lord & talked to Him for hours & hours a day about everyone in our family + sending e-mails + checking up on everyone on facebook + reading my blog!! I hope I can be like her someday!!

she finally gets to be in the presence of our Savior, and again with her husband & her daughter!! gives me chills just thinking about it..

xx

{the song HOLY, by Matt Gilman...seemed quite fitting..}

desert soul..

Hey God, this is where I'm at {dry, desperate, broken, running, in need of rescue}:

{I LOVE YOU LORD, BUT I WANT TO LOVE YOU MORE

I NEED YOU GOD, BUT I WANT TO NEED YOU MORE

I AM LOST WITHOUT, YOUR CREATIVE SPARK IN ME

I AM DEAD INSIDE, UNLESS YOUR RESURRECTION SAVES

DESPERATE, FOR A DESPERATE HEART

ALL THAT I AM IS DRY BONES, WITHOUT YOU LORD

A DESERT SOUL.

I AM BROKEN BUT RUNNING, TOWARDS YOU GOD,

YOU MAKE ME WHOLE}

*this song has been driving me crazy the last few days because it's basically what's in my heart & head right now, in the form of a song by the rend collective.

PSALM EIGHTY-SIX

twenty-twelve

this is a lame, first blog for twenty-twelve..but i promise i will write something in here soon.

thankfully this semester is a little less crammed as last semester.

thus.. free friday's + a tiny bit more free time.. a tiny bit.

all in all life is still crazy & not slowing down.

*in other news, i got to be a part of 45,000 other people at #passion2012.. soo

n, soon, soon, i will write about it.

new favorite quote..

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"
{eleanor roosevelt}

new favorite quote.. I'm still working on my meaty blog. *fyi I keep a blog mostly for myself, but also to try to encourage people through it. soon, soon, soon... until then I will try to finish this week of school without pulling all my hair out.

{the fillmore girls.}

coming soon to a blog near you..

I HAVE A MILLION - AND - ONE THINGS I NEED TO / WANT TO WRITE ABOUT.. AND SOON, {VERY SOON} I WILL FINALLY HAVE A LITTLE TIME TO DO SO!!

SO GET EXCITED!!!

day dreaming...

the more time I spend in Detroit & the more people I connect with & meet the more my mind starts to drift & dream.

Thus causes me to blast Dreamers by Daniel Bashta in my ears, while gazing out the window at Thistle Coffee Shop on a gloomy fall afternoon.. {not doing homework...}

dreaming of...

...a broken city coming up from the ashes, into the Light.

...living amongst a community of people who have heaps of hope for a city that most of the world fears & have given up on.

...seeing God sweeping up the broken people who have lost the sight of hope for themselves & their city.

...everything we (as humans) deem impossible.. even though nothing is impossible for our God.

{picture: clf}

they'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
they'll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind
and make it new.
{isaiah sixty-one}

the heart..

"I WANT TO KNOW YOU, LET YOUR SPIRIT OVERWHELM ME, LET YOUR PRESENCE OVERTAKE MY HEART"

the presence of the living God overtaking my whole heart. holding it really, really, REALLY close, and not letting go of it, even for a second.

despite all the hurt, pain, heartache, heartbreak, wounds, tears, anger, the unknown, and the other million negative, worrisome emotions, feelings, & things that cause my heart to be heavy, dark, & a dangerous or scary part of myself to open...

God..is still coming really close to me, to take the heaviness & pain of this world away. to take the burdens off of my {really} fragile heart. to give me rest. peace. happiness. joy. love. even in the midst of valleys & storms.

{Therefore you, do not lose heart. Though outwardly you wasting away, yet inwardly you are being renewed day by day. For your light and momentary troubles are achieving for you, an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.}

HE overcame.

look for less..

I love Banana Republic, and the new collection, Mad Men has so many cute pieces that just came in, and this dress caught my eye last week -- $130

BUT I am a sucker for a good deal and it would take A LOT for me to spend that much money on a dress, so while thumbing through a very messy Forever 21 I came across basically the same dress -- $25

{I added a belt + necklace + pretty Leah!}

ten at ten..

it's august!?

ten things about this {almost over} summer of eleven::

one) twin has been home for a while & it feels like she never even left!
two) my friend became a mrs. & I had fun being a part of her special day!
three) bike rides + a cute basket
four) hot hot heat + tan skin
five) loving on my babies + creating everything under the sun with construction paper
six) learning lots about relationships with people + my relationship with God.
seven) I crossed something off of my list of 30 things to do before I'm 30: #20
eight) fireworks on a rooftop + in a park.
nine) a lot of romans twelve.
ten) a week in nashville: old friends, new friends, seeing God through three sweet little boys, hot & sweaty & getting hands dirty, a homeless man asked me to marry him, sweet little cousins, long bus rides.

romans 12...

be transformed by the renewing of your mind

love must be sincere, cling to what is good

honor others above yourself

joyful in hope

patient in affliction

faithful in prayer

being hospitable

share with the needy

rejoice with those who mourn

live in harmony

don't be proud

don't be conceded

overcome evil with good.

{+first john three:sixteen}

{photo credit: cfillmore}

MY TWIN IS ALMOST HOME!!!

Today is June 20th & I will see my long-lost-twin-sister for the first time since January 8th! It is weird because it seems like a really long time ago, but also kind of just seems like yesterday!

This has been the longest we've been apart our whole life & after being glued to each others hips for 21 years we finally were doing life on our own, separately from each other. having separate adventures, meeting people as Lindsay or Courtney not as "twins", & we survived & it was good!! God yet again awe's me by His perfect timing with her & I experiencing life on our own for this past season of our lives, becoming individuals, not just twins, not always having someone to come with us, wait with us, a security blanket always at hand!

I'm stoked to see her. Excited to tell her random things that aren't really that funny, but she listens to anyway, hear her long stories, hear the great things God has done in her heart & life in the last few months, stay up late with her, talk in code, get to know her again, just spend time with her!!


I'm praying, praying, & praying some more that adjusting to being "twins" again goes smoothly & we pick up right where we left off!

This is a rich life I live.. thank God for a weekend full of people that make me smile, cool-summer nights, family, & a lot of veggin'!

Here's to a good start of a long next two months of watching babies everyday, being a twin again, & trying to have a little bit of free time!!

ten at ten..

ten at ten..

one) Michigan skipped spring, 40's to 90's... I'm digging the hot & sweaty lifestyle the last few weeks!

two) my skin is starting to look sun-kissed & it's not even officially summer yet! Typically it takes at least until the end of July for me to look somewhat tan!!

three) I don't think people understand the craziness of how soon my long lost twin comes home! We're talking two weeks from yesterday!!!!!!!!

*four) The last few days I've been in a funk making me really frustrated, annoyed, & in a bratty mood.. but thankfully it was just a funk, and I'm realizing I'm just really kind of selfish & God is just using circumstances to show me He's in control... not me!
{AND it's just always a punch/slap in the face for me to snap out of because I am SOOOOO spoiled with the life God has given me.. I might not have a million dollars laying around but I'm spoiled & take SO much in this life I've been given for granted wayyyy too easily & I let the feelings of wanting more or not being satisfied get in the way of my thanks/surrendering it all back the One who gave it to me...holla at my mumma for good heart/reality checks.}

five) I've been trying to avoid pants of any sort the last few weeks. Skirts & dresses please! {soon my twin will return home with several dresses waiting for me to borrow..!!}

six) Due to the lack of reliable radio in my car it is obnoxious having to find something to listen to while driving that is not fussy or country music.. so thanks to our friends in the North, CBC Radio 2 has become my new favorite thing in the morning while I drive to work & in the afternoon when I drive home.. I'm obsessed.

seven) I've been dating a pretty sweet guy that I had a crush on for a long time..for seven months now?! It's crazy & makes me happy!

eight) I'm going to Wayne State in the fall {FINALLY!!!!} & one of my sisters roommates is moving out in August.. hmm...

*nine) I've been reading a lot of my old journals lately.. it's SO crazy how different only a year can look from one to the next!?!? Good, bad, ugly, & everything in-between!!!

ten) Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros just came on my iTunes.. I think I will still enjoy this song until I'm 99 years old.

*kind of related: old journals & writing about the good, the bad, & the ugly, being spoiled with this rich life, all kind of correlate.

xox

my dad is cute.

who YOU are..

i like regular routines.
i like organized schedules.
i like to know what's going on!

BUT

i also like spontaneity.
i like organized clutter.
i like lazy-do-nothing-days.

BUT too much of that, is too much!!
i was a very happy girl walking out of my last final exam for school this past semester, planning all my days of sleeping in, doing some yoga when i wanted to, running outside anytime during the day, meeting my boyfriend for lunch, staying up late for no reason, being l-a-z-y because school was done!
{all in this weird stage between me getting out school, not being in any summer classes, & the calm before the storm of watching THREE kids four days a week for the rest of the summer...}

but i've found that too much of this... is NOT good for me. i miss having a regular routine, knowing what my schedule would potentially look like at the beginning of each week! i feel like my whole life is just really REALLY unorganized right now. {in every aspect of the word} i was almost on the verge of a nervous break down this week because i feel like all the disorganization in my life right now, not just my schedule, but my room, my car, my work schedule, the way i'm eating/taking care of myself, all the free time................is all draining me & my relationship with God.

obviously i can't blame all the scatteredness that on my lack of spending time with God, laying down everything in my life for Him, soaking up His words, talking to Him, listening for Him, seeing Him, but the laziness is definitely seeping into my relationship with God & its really frustrating & annoying.

its of course in all these times that God's like: "OK Lindsay, i've been waiting for you to just come spend time with me! you know you can't do anything without Me, I want to give you peace, rest, and make you not feel anxious or frustrated!"

so it made me stop & think & finally get this desire, want back to fight for my relationship with God, that i can't just sit back & let it unfold in front of me & expect it to be useful/beneficial/thriving (there's a word I'm looking for, but I can't put my finger on it!?) like a text from a sweet friend about Galatians 5 & just all around being reminded of who HE is from a desperation band song called who You are..

so now i'm feeling motivated, refreshed, & renewed.. ready to beat this laziness spell with productivity & spending more time with my Maker..

so much goodness & blessing in my life to not spend time giving it all back to Him..


{i feel like i write things like this & they don't make sense, but that's ok, writing is like therapy for me, whether it makes sense or not!} xox

*ps my twin comes home in: 23ish days.

overcome...

I just stumbled upon this in my journal from a few weeks ago, I had been soaking on the word(s) overwhelm & overcome around Easter time.. thus left me listening to several songs with the two words in them & then writing about what they really mean...

{I just posted the song Take Heart by Hillsong, but I stole the order of these words from that song}
...troubles, tears, HOPE, failure, fear, LOVE, heartache, pain, HEALER, burdens, shame, FREEDOM, JUSTICE, GRACE, REFUGE, STRENGTH:: HE has o v e r c o m e.

courtney..

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS LAST NIGHT WHERE I WAS REALLY HAPPY, BUT SAD AT THE SAME TIME.. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MAKES SENSE, BUT I WAS JUST LAYING IN MY BED LAST NIGHT TALKING TO GOD NOT BEING ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP (OF COURSE...) AND I JUST FINALLY EXPLODED. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BOTTLED EVERYTHING UP CONCERNING COURTNEY UNTIL NOW. AND SHE IS COMING HOME SOON!?

I BURST INTO TEARS LITERALLY CRYING OUT TO GOD TO HAVE HIS HAND OVER HER MORE THAN EVER RIGHT NOW, AS SHE GOES INTO A PART OF THAILAND IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS TO SPEND A MAJORITY OF THE REMAINDER OF HER TRIP WHERE SEX TRAFFICKING IS AT A HIGH & WHERE THE PEOPLE OF THAILAND DO NOT LIKE OR TRUST ANY AMERICANS DUE TO THE FACT THAT THEIR ONLY EXPERIENCE WITH "AMERICANS" ARE A SELECT FEW DISGUSTING HUMAN BEINGS WHO CALL THEMSELVES MEN WHO COME TO STEAL INNOCENCE & TREAT OTHER HUMAN BEINGS LIKE OBJECTS FOR THEIR OWN PLEASURE.

SO I HAVE A PLEA FOR PRAYER.
I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER.
I BELIEVE IN A GOD WHO HEARS HIS CHILDREN WHEN THEY CALL.
I NEED HIS CHILDREN TO PRAY WITH ME.
FOR MY SISTER.
FOR MY TWIN.
MY OTHER HALF.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.
GOING INTO UTTER DARKNESS TO SPREAD THE HOPE & REAL, GENUINE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST.


GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO HER IN THE ALMOST WHOLE YEAR SINCE THE BEGINNING OF HER ADVENTURE:: HER FIRST APPLYING FOR YWAM, GETTING ACCEPTED, RAISING MONEY, AND MORE MONEY, AND THEN SOME MORE MONEY, KEEPING HER SAFE, HEALTHY, ALL AROUND GREAT. TEACHING HER NEW THINGS. SHAPING HER HEART.

SO I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID I WASN'T SCARED FOR HER. WORRIED FOR HER. ANXIOUS FOR HER. WISHING I COULD PROTECT HER.

SHE & THE REST OF HER TEAM NEED PRAYER, I NEED PRAYER, THE PEOPLE THEY'LL BE MEETING/FORMING RELATIONSHIPS WITH NEED PRAYER.

{all our fear, God our love, He has overcome}

overwhelm {me}...

I should be finishing my homework right now... but Isaiah 61 & I Want to know You by Jesus Culture are distracting me, making me want to jump up & down::

soak up some truth & goodness...

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
{isaiah sixty-one}

{Grace never ending
Your hands they carry me
Your body is broken
for all the world to see
my heart is held
by love so unconditional
You captivate me
let Your spirit overwhelm me
let Your presence overtake my heart...}

{picture, totally unrelated:: just r-e-a-l-l-y missing my twin right now..
it has officially been the longest we've gone without communication.}